Have been feeling a little lost at work lately. Not sure if there is a point to what I'm doing anymore. I used to be able to say I love what I do but there's increasingly less and less of it to love.
Yet i'm stuck.
If I leave, is it because I don't have the tenacity to stick it out? Has fear of failure gotten in the way? I can already see how badly it can go. And even if i do pull through, it just means that I'll probably get this shit again. Where's the win in that? What am I proving and what good will come of that? Do I need to prove that I don't suck at it? But I already know I do.
Is this negativity? Is this being weak? Is this being not hungry enough? Do I deserve to be a ne'er do well because I don't want to go through this?
Is it a cop out to leave and will I do the same at the next place I end up in?
Unfortunately, this is not something I can decide now. So for the next 2 weeks, i'm gonna put my back into this project and see if it gets better. Put finding the meaning of Life on hold while I find meaning for this next project first.
wish me luck.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
I am an architect.
I suppose the beauty of personality tests is that they tell you who you are. Within 20 minutes you are told what type of personality you are, how you react in times of stress, how you treat your friends, what sort of job best suits you, which other famous personalities are exactly like you - answers that used to take years of experimentation and angst to arrive at, you get after answering 40 multiple choice questions.
The best part is, if you don't like the conclusions, you can always skew your answers so that you get told exactly what you want to hear.
Still, cheating aside, it is quite fun, if you remember your "history" or have saved previous results just for kicks, to see how you've changed over the few years of your quiz addiction. It is also a rather pleasant surprise to find out that you've grown into the 'type' you've always admired and aspired to be.
Personality tests or quizzes are by no means an analysis of one's character, strengths or weaknesses but going through them is like visiting a family doctor whom you used to see as a child. In a calm, reassuring voice, you are given a diagnosis of who you are what problems you may have and what you can do to fix them. If you have gotten better since your last visit, you get a sweet as your reward; if you haven't, you are a little embarrassed but other than yourself and the doctor, no one will know so it's not so bad. The best part about it, is that you can choose to be okay with being ill and not take the prescribed the bitter pill. If you're the type.
The best part is, if you don't like the conclusions, you can always skew your answers so that you get told exactly what you want to hear.
Still, cheating aside, it is quite fun, if you remember your "history" or have saved previous results just for kicks, to see how you've changed over the few years of your quiz addiction. It is also a rather pleasant surprise to find out that you've grown into the 'type' you've always admired and aspired to be.
Personality tests or quizzes are by no means an analysis of one's character, strengths or weaknesses but going through them is like visiting a family doctor whom you used to see as a child. In a calm, reassuring voice, you are given a diagnosis of who you are what problems you may have and what you can do to fix them. If you have gotten better since your last visit, you get a sweet as your reward; if you haven't, you are a little embarrassed but other than yourself and the doctor, no one will know so it's not so bad. The best part about it, is that you can choose to be okay with being ill and not take the prescribed the bitter pill. If you're the type.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Untitled - anyone got a tune for this?
The dice was cast
The day that you began
On that journey to tomorrow
Where dreams are taking shape
The sun shone bright
The sky was blue and clear
In that moment and forever
You were hope replacing fear
** There is a passion in your eyes
No one can ever take away
It is the love that grows from inside of you
And it takes our breath away
Don’t be afraid
The time is now
When the world is in your hands
There is no need to wait to understand
We’ve watched and learnt
Now’s your turn
Take the chance and lead the way
Forget whatever they may say coz
** There is a passion in your eyes
It is your gift to everyone
Bring out the power of your joy
And change the world
Give them the love you hold inside
Make them believe they have a chance
When they can finally see their dreams
They will truly live
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
The little girl and her pretty little flower.
A little girl saw a pretty little flower one day and stared at it until it got dark and she had to go home. The next day, she went back to the same place in the garden to look for it but the pretty flower was no where to be found. She looked in the front yard and the back yard. She looked amongst the roses and daffodils. She even looked in her father's tool shed but the pretty little flower was no where to be found.
The little girl asked her mother " Mummy, have you seen my pretty little flower? Its white with pretty little petals!" Her mother shook her head and went back to her washing.
The little girl then asked her father "Daddy, do you know where my pretty little flower is? I saw it just yesterday in the garden but now its gone!" Her father shrugged his shoulders, and went back to reading the newspapers.
When the little girl's brother came home from school, he saw her sitting on the steps, crying. "What happened?" he asked. So she told him about the pretty white flower that she had seen but has now gone missing. The little girl's brother gave her a pencil and some paper and said "Why don't you draw a picture of it and we can show it to everyone in town and ask them if they have seen your flower?"
So the little girl closed her eyes and tried her very best to remember what the flower looked like and began to draw. When she was finished, she proudly held up the picture for her brother to see. As he took a look, the little girl's brother burst out in laughter! "What were you doing when you saw the flower yesterday, little sister?" he asked. The little girl thought for a while, then replied, "I was lying down in the middle of the garden, looking up at the sky."
"You silly little girl," her brother said. "You were looking at clouds that looked like a flower! Too bad the wind would have blown yesterday's clouds away so you will never see your flower again." With that, the little girl's brother went into the house, leaving her on the steps by herself. She started crying bitterly because she thought she would never see the flower again and it was the most beautiful flower she had ever seen!
When the little girl's mother came out of the house and saw her looking so sad, she decided to make the little girl happy by putting the picture of the pretty little flower she had drawn on the door in the little girl's room. Alas, it only made the girl even sadder because every morning, until the day she grew old and died, when the little girl woke up and saw the picture of the flower, she would cry to herself, "Oh, how I wish I could see that beautiful flower again!"
The little girl asked her mother " Mummy, have you seen my pretty little flower? Its white with pretty little petals!" Her mother shook her head and went back to her washing.
The little girl then asked her father "Daddy, do you know where my pretty little flower is? I saw it just yesterday in the garden but now its gone!" Her father shrugged his shoulders, and went back to reading the newspapers.
When the little girl's brother came home from school, he saw her sitting on the steps, crying. "What happened?" he asked. So she told him about the pretty white flower that she had seen but has now gone missing. The little girl's brother gave her a pencil and some paper and said "Why don't you draw a picture of it and we can show it to everyone in town and ask them if they have seen your flower?"
So the little girl closed her eyes and tried her very best to remember what the flower looked like and began to draw. When she was finished, she proudly held up the picture for her brother to see. As he took a look, the little girl's brother burst out in laughter! "What were you doing when you saw the flower yesterday, little sister?" he asked. The little girl thought for a while, then replied, "I was lying down in the middle of the garden, looking up at the sky."
"You silly little girl," her brother said. "You were looking at clouds that looked like a flower! Too bad the wind would have blown yesterday's clouds away so you will never see your flower again." With that, the little girl's brother went into the house, leaving her on the steps by herself. She started crying bitterly because she thought she would never see the flower again and it was the most beautiful flower she had ever seen!
When the little girl's mother came out of the house and saw her looking so sad, she decided to make the little girl happy by putting the picture of the pretty little flower she had drawn on the door in the little girl's room. Alas, it only made the girl even sadder because every morning, until the day she grew old and died, when the little girl woke up and saw the picture of the flower, she would cry to herself, "Oh, how I wish I could see that beautiful flower again!"
Friday, April 11, 2008
Jasmeen
Jasmeen the has-been
How have you been?
You’ve traveled from so far
But what have you seen?
The sun in the sky
The moon in the lake
All the birds that fly
And that very big keg
Jasmeen the has-been
Do you truly know?
What it means to be have had
And still have nothing to show.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
One day, Lofty said to us one day "suspend your disbelief". The power in that phrase is unimaginable.
Our world today is invaded, in every aspect, by reality. Children want to be lawyers and bankers because they drive big cars, teens decide everyday that they will get that degree in engineering then become an artist and adults obsess over the latest Survivor or Idol. Hammed up reality. "Realistically, do you think you can actually do that?"
And so the broken body of hope is driven by skepticism into a grave situation by cynicism.
If what you dream of is realistic, then it can't really be a dream, can it? It's a reality that you desire. Which is well and good for the individual because it does inspire you to be more than what you already are, yet ensures that you cannot be disappointed by failure because by all calculations, it is within your ability to make that 'dream' come true. But the danger of this mentality is latent and much more potent because as we get better at setting our goals at the edge of our abilities and get more addicted to our own successes, we also get better at knowing what is beyond our own capabilities and those things, we abandon because realistically, that cannot happen. Some examples of these things that lay beyond our reach - eradicating poverty, instituting Human Rights and Freedom of Speech, saving Mother Earth - are only the tip of the iceberg. And once we categorise these things under the "non-Attainable" label, we are immediately incapacitated. Then, obviously, there is no will, and no way, that anyone will do anything to make things better. That's what they mean by "reality bites" - it takes a big chunk of heart out of you and leaves little else for worrying about issues bigger than yourself.
Still, looking at that big picture level, one might think "hey, its not such a big deal to me that I don't know that much about the aids epidemic. No one wants to have sex with me and I'm scared of needles." But can one really be insulated from cynicism and skepticism, from disbelief? How many times have you seen a stranger smiling at you on the street and your brows automatically furrow as you clutch your bag closer? How many times have you bet on the fighter who was statistically more likely to win instead of the fighter you really believe in? Does the reality of not following your heart, and disbelief of the good in other people make you happy? Sure, it saves you the possibility of getting mugged on the street but it also deprives you of the joy of a genuine smile, a connection with another human being.
I do not believe, for even a moment, that this stranglehold that skepticism or cynicism has on us is purely a result of social degradation. Much less that we are helpless to resist it. At some point in time, we, as individuals, decided to protect ourselves from disappointment and hurt at the expense of hope and love for ourselves and each other.
What good is it to protect an existence that is self-centered and has no faith in the good of humanity? That uses the limited abilities of the individual as an excuse to ignore the destruction of the World? It is time to suspend our disbelief and dare to hope again.
Our world today is invaded, in every aspect, by reality. Children want to be lawyers and bankers because they drive big cars, teens decide everyday that they will get that degree in engineering then become an artist and adults obsess over the latest Survivor or Idol. Hammed up reality. "Realistically, do you think you can actually do that?"
And so the broken body of hope is driven by skepticism into a grave situation by cynicism.
If what you dream of is realistic, then it can't really be a dream, can it? It's a reality that you desire. Which is well and good for the individual because it does inspire you to be more than what you already are, yet ensures that you cannot be disappointed by failure because by all calculations, it is within your ability to make that 'dream' come true. But the danger of this mentality is latent and much more potent because as we get better at setting our goals at the edge of our abilities and get more addicted to our own successes, we also get better at knowing what is beyond our own capabilities and those things, we abandon because realistically, that cannot happen. Some examples of these things that lay beyond our reach - eradicating poverty, instituting Human Rights and Freedom of Speech, saving Mother Earth - are only the tip of the iceberg. And once we categorise these things under the "non-Attainable" label, we are immediately incapacitated. Then, obviously, there is no will, and no way, that anyone will do anything to make things better. That's what they mean by "reality bites" - it takes a big chunk of heart out of you and leaves little else for worrying about issues bigger than yourself.
Still, looking at that big picture level, one might think "hey, its not such a big deal to me that I don't know that much about the aids epidemic. No one wants to have sex with me and I'm scared of needles." But can one really be insulated from cynicism and skepticism, from disbelief? How many times have you seen a stranger smiling at you on the street and your brows automatically furrow as you clutch your bag closer? How many times have you bet on the fighter who was statistically more likely to win instead of the fighter you really believe in? Does the reality of not following your heart, and disbelief of the good in other people make you happy? Sure, it saves you the possibility of getting mugged on the street but it also deprives you of the joy of a genuine smile, a connection with another human being.
I do not believe, for even a moment, that this stranglehold that skepticism or cynicism has on us is purely a result of social degradation. Much less that we are helpless to resist it. At some point in time, we, as individuals, decided to protect ourselves from disappointment and hurt at the expense of hope and love for ourselves and each other.
What good is it to protect an existence that is self-centered and has no faith in the good of humanity? That uses the limited abilities of the individual as an excuse to ignore the destruction of the World? It is time to suspend our disbelief and dare to hope again.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
The year is 2008
On 31st December 2007, I cast off the worst year I've had in a long time. Quite possibly, it was the worst I've had in my entire life. By the last month, I had reached depths of depression, self-doubt, failure and loneliness that I'd never thought was possible during my invincible early twenties. But that was last year, and at the stroke of midnight (or all three times we counted down to it, as it were) i felt a great cumulonimbus cloud of hopelessness lift off my pilates-tortured shoulders and it it's place, was my allotment of optimism for the whole of 2008. It felt amazing and I truly believe that 2008 will be a great year.
The ushering of the new year were fraught with so many 'signs' of things to come and what made me so hopeful of the goodness of '08 is that it wasn't perfect by any means. First, there were the false starts of the count down that saw the yachts releasing their flares (supposed to be done at midnight) before anyone started counting down! That obviously didn't take away any of the excitement of seeing each flare soar higher, further and in completely different directions from each other and I was heartened to notice that all burned just as brightly during their descend regardless of direction or height. I took it as a sign that I do not have to be better than anyone or go with the flow and I can be just as fulfilled doing what I believe in. Those who were with me in the past month would know exactly how great a comfort that is to me.
For a moment, everyone held their breath in an awesome silence and without warning, expelled that same reverent breath in a hushed oath as a runaway flare abruptly changed its upward trajectory and headed straight for the beach meters away from where we were. It really was quite a funny moment, punctuated by a lot of nervous tittering which then broke out into hearty laughter as more flares landed on the roof of the club house (where the party was) and on the boardwalk.
As the first of the flares began their slow descent, the party at the club house finally got down to their countdown and at the stroke of the second midnight, we were surprised by a fireworks display that lit the sky right in front of us in washes of festive green, red, purple and gold. It took my breath away and all in all, the celebrations were enough to assure me that 2008 would be an inspired year. Amusing at times but always pleasantly surprising. Perfect. But that was not all. In fact, I was just about to given my first (of many, I hope) gifts of the New Year.
When the excitement died down and most of the other groups had left, I noticed the scene in front of us. An elderly lady sat on the bench and next to her was a young boy who looked to be her grandson, sitting on the ground with his back against the bench. On the other side of the boy was a woman who looked like she was in her late 20s or early 30s. In my mind, she was the mother and daughter. They remained inconspicuous throughout the entire fire and flare episode but the now quiet night seemed to throw them in to a sharp and stark focus. Despite having already settled in before we arrive and, eventually, staying after we left, they did not have the picnic clutter that everyone else brought along. From what I could see, they sat on the bare ground while the only F&B was a can of coke and a packet of chips. It would be presumptuous for me to explain their situation so I'll just offer up the scenario that I saw and the powerful resolution I made because of it.
Some of you might have seen them as an incomplete (not dysfunctional) family with little in the way of money. The sense of loneliness and material poorness (since it isn't poverty compared to some of the Third World) felt like an isolating force that kept them from having fun like the rest of us. Yet this did not make them destitute. They were not ostentatiously lamenting their plight (as would have been the case had they stayed home to be miserable). Instead, they made it a point to do what they could and got out there to celebrate in their own way.
It was then that I really could believe that I do not have to be wealthy to be able to live Life but what moved me more profoundly was that regardless of how low I might get in Life, I should still get out there and live it rather than try to hide away and begrudge the lousy hand I'd been dealt with. There is Life outside of my misery - a whole world of it, in fact.
Perhaps some might feel that at 23yrs and 11months old, it is too early for me to not be an ambitious bitch and I should not be thinking about being contented with anything that Life gave me, much less learning how to live with desolation but I disagree. I will always have my dreams and I will fight to realize them because they are what will fulfill me. What I learnt during that first precious hour of 2008 can only serve to give me strength to pursue my wayward and beautiful dreams because I now know how to deal with the worst that Life can throw at me.
So let me give thanks to the powers or fates that be, my family, my friends, and most of all to the dreadful year that was 2007, without which, I would appreciate and anticipate 2008 as much as I do now.
Bless y'all and have a great one!
The ushering of the new year were fraught with so many 'signs' of things to come and what made me so hopeful of the goodness of '08 is that it wasn't perfect by any means. First, there were the false starts of the count down that saw the yachts releasing their flares (supposed to be done at midnight) before anyone started counting down! That obviously didn't take away any of the excitement of seeing each flare soar higher, further and in completely different directions from each other and I was heartened to notice that all burned just as brightly during their descend regardless of direction or height. I took it as a sign that I do not have to be better than anyone or go with the flow and I can be just as fulfilled doing what I believe in. Those who were with me in the past month would know exactly how great a comfort that is to me.
For a moment, everyone held their breath in an awesome silence and without warning, expelled that same reverent breath in a hushed oath as a runaway flare abruptly changed its upward trajectory and headed straight for the beach meters away from where we were. It really was quite a funny moment, punctuated by a lot of nervous tittering which then broke out into hearty laughter as more flares landed on the roof of the club house (where the party was) and on the boardwalk.
As the first of the flares began their slow descent, the party at the club house finally got down to their countdown and at the stroke of the second midnight, we were surprised by a fireworks display that lit the sky right in front of us in washes of festive green, red, purple and gold. It took my breath away and all in all, the celebrations were enough to assure me that 2008 would be an inspired year. Amusing at times but always pleasantly surprising. Perfect. But that was not all. In fact, I was just about to given my first (of many, I hope) gifts of the New Year.
When the excitement died down and most of the other groups had left, I noticed the scene in front of us. An elderly lady sat on the bench and next to her was a young boy who looked to be her grandson, sitting on the ground with his back against the bench. On the other side of the boy was a woman who looked like she was in her late 20s or early 30s. In my mind, she was the mother and daughter. They remained inconspicuous throughout the entire fire and flare episode but the now quiet night seemed to throw them in to a sharp and stark focus. Despite having already settled in before we arrive and, eventually, staying after we left, they did not have the picnic clutter that everyone else brought along. From what I could see, they sat on the bare ground while the only F&B was a can of coke and a packet of chips. It would be presumptuous for me to explain their situation so I'll just offer up the scenario that I saw and the powerful resolution I made because of it.
Some of you might have seen them as an incomplete (not dysfunctional) family with little in the way of money. The sense of loneliness and material poorness (since it isn't poverty compared to some of the Third World) felt like an isolating force that kept them from having fun like the rest of us. Yet this did not make them destitute. They were not ostentatiously lamenting their plight (as would have been the case had they stayed home to be miserable). Instead, they made it a point to do what they could and got out there to celebrate in their own way.
It was then that I really could believe that I do not have to be wealthy to be able to live Life but what moved me more profoundly was that regardless of how low I might get in Life, I should still get out there and live it rather than try to hide away and begrudge the lousy hand I'd been dealt with. There is Life outside of my misery - a whole world of it, in fact.
Perhaps some might feel that at 23yrs and 11months old, it is too early for me to not be an ambitious bitch and I should not be thinking about being contented with anything that Life gave me, much less learning how to live with desolation but I disagree. I will always have my dreams and I will fight to realize them because they are what will fulfill me. What I learnt during that first precious hour of 2008 can only serve to give me strength to pursue my wayward and beautiful dreams because I now know how to deal with the worst that Life can throw at me.
So let me give thanks to the powers or fates that be, my family, my friends, and most of all to the dreadful year that was 2007, without which, I would appreciate and anticipate 2008 as much as I do now.
Bless y'all and have a great one!
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